22 8 / 2014
how do woman not orgasm when inserting tampons.
like isn’t just like having sex idgi?
This sounds like a Mitt Romney diary entry.
Just. Like. Having. Sex.
"I don’t understand a single solitary thing about your woman parts, but by all means let me legislate how you’re allowed to use them." —White guys
Every damn time I see this post I can’t help but think “welp, this explains why so many women complain they can’t get no satisfaction.”
18 8 / 2014
you guys: I just purchased ALL OF ETSY.
Not like, I’m now the bajillion-dollar owner of Etsy.com - which would have been a much smarter investment, come to think of it, but instead - I now own EVERY HAND MADE CRAFT EVER.
so. many. tote. bags.
ridiculous. no one needs this many tote bags.
snort. that’s not true. i need all the tote bags. I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO TOTE, YOU GUYS.
18 8 / 2014
1. I’m on a social media break because it is soooo depressing. Yes, I’m living in denial.
2. Why do bra makers put those obnoxious bows in the center of women’s bra’s? They are horrible.
3. I realize now, I hate bows in general. Hair bows. Purse bows. Shoe bows. Bra bows. See also: glitter (apologies to erinmargrethe)
4. TMI: I was at Target recently making a purchase and I had my cart and I was like (to the girl in the checkout line): “listen, imma need you to package the tampons separately and - would you mind if I leave the cart here and dash to the rest room” and she was all “omg, of course, and you can run your card now and it will total up for you - i’ll just put your receipt in the cart.” and the lady behind me was all “Oh, go ahead! I’ll keep an eye on it too!” and I realized, women of all races, ages, socio-economic status can all come together in moments of crisis because we ALL understand that “well. fuck. pretty sure I’m going to have my period RIGHT through *THIS* outfit” and I think that bands us together in a way that is similar to people who have seen real tragedy together. Like. Shit’s real yo. You haven’t lived until you’ve bled through some khaki pants when you’re in 8th grade and a stranger lends you a sweatshirt to tie around your waist for the day. Bitches stick together.
5. I have no tolerance for people who have little to no work ethic.
6. I find it ASTOUNDING that you can spend a good portion of your life with someone really getting to know them and then one day be all ‘who ARE you?’
7. I think I’ve watched all of Netflix.
8. I had 3 cups of coffee and 2 large McDonald’s teas today.
9. Status update: The foster care system is STILL fucked up and I am STILL childless. It’s a damn outrage, really. If anyone would like to give me an extra baby or two, please do (ping whileyouweresleeping!) I mean, they are constantly playing ads on ye’ ole TV about kids who need good homes and yet…omg…the red tape when you’re actually IN the system trying to adopt, you guys. It’s disgusting. I keep saying I’m going to write an article about it and submit it to the local paper. But…you know…I also keep saying I’m going to clean the grout in my kitchen and work on updating my 401K. Instead I’m going to lie on my couch and bitch about it.
10. I feel like I can’t end a list on 9 items because that’s just weird - so here’s an interesting* fact about me: I’m so claustrophobic that if I can’t get a necklace off - I will rip it off my neck. Also: I have to take my shoes off at the dentist because when the dentist’s hands are all up in my face, I need to breathe through my feet (yep. I just typed that. That’s not a typo). Also: can’t wear socks to bed or keep my feet under the blankets - you know, because of the suffocation through feet thing.
*you say to-may-toe, I say to-mah-toe. actually…I say to-may-toe. but…whatever. stop being such a douchebag, you know what I mean.
13 8 / 2014
"Be there when they need you, and keep being there even when they stop being funny. Every time they make a joke around you, they’re doing it because they instinctively and reflexively think that’s what they need to do to make you like them. They’re afraid that the moment the laughter stops, all that’s left is that gross, awkward kid everyone hated on the playground, the one they’ve been hiding behind bricks all their adult life."
Gut punch. Awkward jokes. That hits home.
07 8 / 2014
Movie-make 100 sequels
Groot-best delivery of lines ever